|
11/19/2008
Almost NoonIt's nearly 11am actually and I'm the only one in the house awake.
Kody hasn't yet risen and Will passed out after an all night shift. Our area hit a record low this morning.
17 degrees outside which broke the record of 20 that was set in 1951. Signed our family up a site last night in search
of trying to meet our goal of getting the permanent house. There was a chat room on the site which was rather nice
to be a part of. Talked to other women on there for quite a while before retiring to bed for the night. Had to remember
to throw my uniform in the washer this morning otherwise it would have been dirty and anyone who knows me knows that I won't
allow that to happen. The last time I blog I was in a bad situation emotionally and have decided to try and de-stress
as much as I can. Not to worry about things that either cannot be rushed or cannot be fixed. Stressing out isn't
going to do me any good nor my family. The year is almost over ... crazy how fast time has passed. 7 more months
until the move is due to happen.
There is alot to look forward to even though things going on with Kody
are still very real.. Take each day as it comes and making sure to let the people I love know that I do.
10:37 am est
11/17/2008
Ramblings By MoiToday has been one of those days that you would have rather stayed in bed all day
and just forgot about. Did the normal everyday thing which was getting Rikki up and ready for school. Mind you
I ended up taking up all the bed last night which meant Will was up most of the night so he was super quiet this morning which
was driving me nutts. God I love him to death but there are just those times when I really just need him to be talkative
and be all chatty with me. After getting Rikki up and out to the bus stop I was realizing just how whimpy I have gotten
to the cold. It was 31 outside this morning and I was freezing. Michigan is way colder right now and honestly
I should have thicker skin but I don't. Anyways then I get back home and am warming up because I know that I have
to go back out at sometime after 8 to go retrieve Kody's work and report card for this next few days. Things go
fine on the way there and the way back. (Thankfully a neighbor didn't come out to scold me for cutting through this
one area because she may have heard a few choice words.) Then I open the report card and am like WHAT THE HELL.
Nothing against the teachers that did the grading but I do have something of a problem with the last homebound teacher.
For ELA Kody gets a INC until the work we just turned in on Friday gets graded because she didn't have him doing any of
the work that was required for the first 9 weeks of school. UGH!!! Okay so Kody has his breakfast done
and then is playing his PS2 for a while so I figure just to go upstairs and hang out. By this time Will is pretty
involved with his game that he is working on right now so I head to Rikki's room to check my email and such. Could
have asked Will to move so I could put the brain in our room but hell because of me he didn't have a bed for alot
of the night. As I am checking my yahoo email I get a call from Ms. Lister (Rikki's Teacher) about the book fair.
Thankfully she called me rather then assuming. We ended up deciding to put an order in for 3 books Rikki wants
rather then doing the book fair. That way she gets more for her money. She is so grown. Rikki decided
to use the money she got for her report card to buy the books and did choose wisely for the books as well. They are
all second grade or higher in reading level. Okay so that's decided and then I get back to what I was doing
and get a call from Mike, my boss. By this time it is a little after 9am. He asked me to do a 10 - 2 shift
because he is sick and needed to go to the doctors. Fine okay I agreed to take the shift on my day off.
Hell needed the extra hours since he cut back on mine the last few weeks. Okay so I stop checking email ... mind
you I have like 4 of them and didn't even touch on the surface of what I had to read. I get to work and Michael
is there. Don't mind working with him but I wasn't in the best mood to start with. He actually asked
me how I was but honestly at that moment I wasn't really in the sharing mood. So for the first hour or so of
the shift I was extremely quiet which anyone that knows me knows that isn't the norm.
Truth is
there is alot of things I am dealing with or trying to deal with right now without really putting it all out there. Until
this blog I guess. This month on the 29th makes the third year anniversary of my mother's passing.
There is so many unresolved issues that went to the grave with her between the two of us. Somehow I thought that
things would be easier or better after some time but they aren't. The last few times me and my mother spoke we were aruging
or upset with each other. She trusted me with her medical care and to make those important decisions yet thought very
little of me as a person and as a daughter. That has a major affect on a child. Though I am grown and have children
of my own now it is still a major thing to be on the background of things. How she treated me is something I don't
want to ever impose on my own children. Though sometimes I see myself slipping into what I thought for all
those years were normal, it only takes me a moment to realize that I don't want to ever be like her and make my child feel
as though they shouldn't expect any better treatment or ask for better treatment then what is given to them.
Anyways I ended up walking away from my station and going to pull myself together before returning. And was never
so thankful then to have the shift over with. Trying to work on not stressing out. But this month being what it
is it only makes what's going on with Kody that much harder. I mean mom went in in April of 2005 and found out she
was in Congestive Heart Failure. Everything spiraled down from that point on with her. And in time our family
will be dealing with that again with him. It's said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger as a person ....
but honestly there is so much that is going to have to be dealt with that comes with his disorder that it is unbearable sometime.
I tell myself that when the time comes at least he will be whole again and that I shouldn't be selfish and keep him here
beyond what time we do have. Not sure how well that will do when things do come down with everything.
This day has just made me so tired. Drained in a way that I haven't been in a while. Just trying to remember
that we are together and here now and thats all that should really matter. Sometimes that doesn't work so well as
far as a pep talk goes though.
Will and the kids are what brought me through the loss of a parent .... it will
be me and Will who will have to be here both physcially and emotionally for the girls when the time comes.
Never take a moment for granted with your loved ones though would be my advice. Never know when the time will be up
and it will be the last touch or time to say I love you.
Some people see this life of having a child with
a disability .... especially one that is life shortening ... as a blessing. I'm sorry to say it this way but I honestly
don't see the blessing in watching your child go through a disease like Kody has. Watching him lose milestone by
milestone. Having him ask ' Mommy does it hurt to die? ' Mommy what happens when you die?' or asking
' Mommy why can't you fix me?'
4:50 pm est
|
